What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 20:36
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was seconnd youngest,
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
So whats the point in blame.
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She was in good health!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
What was your best sex experience that still makes you horny?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I said to her
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
All the time i was locked up.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
When was the first time you suck on a penis?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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Why did i forgive my father ?
I could never make a relationship work though!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She wouldn,t have been !
We all went to grammer schools
(And it was in our own minds.)
But it wasn’t much.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I don,t even have a pension.
And i lived it daily.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My life is so biszare .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He resisted the act ,that day.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I have no regrets .
She found it foreign!.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
We were not on the streets..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He knew the spot.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I will be 64.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Who then, do I blame.?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I write beautiful poetry .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Would this be the day?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She married twice! .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One cannot live in the past .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But, we were locked up after school.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She loved him until the end.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I waited trembling.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was very sick at this time too.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was scared of men, in general
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Ive learnt so much.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But ive been too sick for many years..
When she asked me how she looked .
Im still living with it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
So, i spoilt her more .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I never cut or harmed myself..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Comes on , in middle age.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Put me off passion for life!!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
This is soul school!.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was 9 years of age.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My family never makes their pension either.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As i do to all so called friends.?
What did i know ?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I think the readers, may guess!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Was to survive, this bastard.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
It was going to be , some day.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!