What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
16.06.2025 08:18
I could never make a relationship work though!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He resisted the act ,that day.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
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We all went to grammer schools
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I said to her
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
How can someone in your family purposely try to destroy your reputation?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
All the time i was locked up.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
When was the first time you suck on a penis?
I think the readers, may guess!
We were not on the streets..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And i lived it daily.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
I have no regrets .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was 9 years of age.
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I couldn’t, believe it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
When she asked me how she looked .
Who then, do I blame.?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She married twice! .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Comes on , in middle age.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
One cannot live in the past .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Put me off passion for life!!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was scared of men, in general
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She was in good health!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Would this be the day?
So, i spoilt her more .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I was seconnd youngest,
She found it foreign!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
As i do to all so called friends.?
So whats the point in blame.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My life is so biszare .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My family never makes their pension either.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
(And it was in our own minds.)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I will be 64.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was very sick at this time too.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
It was going to be , some day.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Im still living with it.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She loved him until the end.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Why did i forgive my father ?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But, we were locked up after school.
I waited trembling.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
This is soul school!.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I write beautiful poetry .
He knew the spot.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Ive learnt so much.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
What did i know ?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But it wasn’t much.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She wouldn,t have been !
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But ive been too sick for many years..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I don,t even have a pension.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.